Dear Dogs And Cats

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. Theother dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becomingyour food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years --canine or feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"nature.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughterwho is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and...
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

Author Unknown

You've Got 'Doggie-Mail'

(NewsUSA) - If you're hearing dogs talk to you, don't panic. It may only be
your e-mail.
Petcentric.com, a Web site devoted to information and stories about pets,
recently introduced a feature called "Doggie-Mail," an interactive service
that allows dog lovers to send free e-mail messages in the voice of their
very own customized canine.
When visitors log on to the site, they can choose one of three animated dogs
to convey their message and then customize the character's wardrobe, props
and scene. They can choose to deck out their dog in a cowboy hat and dress
shirt, or jazz up the pooch's panache with a feather boa and sunglasses. They
can then pick a variety of backdrops for the dog, including a dude ranch or a
festive Hawaiian beach.
After choosing a dog and customizing its outfit, users select a prerecorded
message for the dog to speak, or type in their own message and choose a voice
to accompany it. Petcentric.com also offers a toll-free number where users
can record a message in their own voice. Once the e-mail has been customized,
they can send the talking dog and its message to as many friends as they
like.
Visitors to the site can also watch clips of actor and author John O'Hurley
reading excerpts from his new book "It's Okay to Miss the Bed on the First
Jump: And Other Life Lessons I Learned from Dogs."
"Dogs bring out a host of emotions in us," said O'Hurley, "not the least of
which is humor."
For more information or to start using Doggie-Mail, visit www.petcentric.com.
The site also contains a gallery of pet photos submitted by subscribers,
feature articles, product and book reviews and other pet-related content.
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This article was brought to you by Jane Smart, owner of My Small Dogs. Keep
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